We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
