I am midnight drunk by noon
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
