I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
