you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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