I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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