The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
