yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
