Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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