She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
