this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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