I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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