I never want to see another naked old woman again.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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