This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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