I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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