I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
