guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
