Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
