Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
