very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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