we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
