I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
