If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
