a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
