I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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