just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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