She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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