to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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