My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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