I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
