So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
