how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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