just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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