Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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