right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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