in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
