Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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