Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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