it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
