you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
