he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
