lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
