I wish my penis had an off switch
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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