I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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