My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
