Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
These tits shall not be calmed
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
