It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
