Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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