In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
