She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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