The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
