I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My bed smells like the plague
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
