we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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