just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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