and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize