Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
