So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You ruined the universe
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
