I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
