last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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