my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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